Smoke and Mirrors

In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy and Toto take a long journey up the Yellow Brick road in order to meet the Wizard, and get home to Kansas (although frankly, Kansas didn't look great did it?). On this trip, I'm sure you remember, she meets a variety of figures also with needs and they all sort of talk eachother into the idea that this mythical Wizard might be able to help them all out. They get there and lo, the Wizard happens to be a slightly eccentric old man with no powers, no special abilities and no way of giving them what they need. He had nothing. Zip, zilch, nada.
How fucking awful must that have felt, huh?
Happily for that fairy story, the moral seems to be that Dorothy and all of her friends already possessed what they believed they were seeking and went on to lead fulfilling and purposeful lives. Happy days.

Now, I'm not Dorothy, and W doesn't stand for Wizard. I'm not trying to get home.
My point is really that last night, the curtain fell between W and I and the line, the line that divides the D/s just sort of.. dissolved. That's the problem. Power isn't anything really to do with physical strength, although thats always a bonus, right? It isn't anything to do with who is the brightest, or richest. It's just about who wants to take the power. But as a submissive, you have to take the view that the person you are submitting to, has got their shit together to the degree that they are equal to the term 'Dominant'.  And when something happens that kind of reveals that it's just a fairly average man, a trick of the mind that allows you to hand over all sorts of authority to someone else, you can't unsee it for that person. I don't know if anyone can become un-average in your perception.

D/s isn't so much about sex for me, really. I mean, it IS about sex, but I can get kinky sex anywhere. I can find a man who is willing to nourish my inner masochist. I can see a man tonight, who will pin me down or tie me up and cover me with bruises and whisper dirty things in my ear and fuck me until I see stars. The physical control is always covered for most women with above average looks and brains. What I'm really looking for is a mental and emotional connection that exists within and without the bedroom. I don't need to have orgasms when I'm with my Dominant - my pleasure is in his pleasure. I don't even really need to physically have teh sex to attain fulfilment. But as the s, this only really works if you think the D gets it.
I used to think W gets it, but I... I have changed my mind. If I didn't get an orgasm (and I so bloody didn't, reader), it was not because he had decided I was not to have one, it was because he didn't know how to give me one. He got me on the bed, told me to 'get ready' (take off my pants, is what he meant) and then gave me less than 10 minutes of missionary position sex where he lay directly on top of me and crushed my poor ribs, and then after he came he got off so that we could cuddle. He didn't smell nice.
I know that after 2 years of celibacy that the concept of actual sex may have taken on an idealisation and importance extra to the reality of it. But I don't think I can remember anything like that before, but the worst moment was when he asked me if it had been any good with such appallingly genuine concern and I realised that this whole experience had not been about him underlining that sex between us would not be about prioritising my sexual pleasure over his. It was about him not knowing what to do with me. And clearly not minding too much about physical hygiene.
We then got up so he could watch the end of the Spain-France game. I just wanted to go home, but we had decided that he would take me home later and then he wanted to watch a film after the game and I was too polite to demand. In almost ironically poor timing, 'Love Actually' was on the telly, so we watched that, uncomfortably. He wanted to cuddle on the couch, I wanted to go home and not smell him. After the film he wanted to go back to bed with me for a while, I wanted to go home. He brought me home.

As a submissive, I cannot be the educator. I cannot give the 'here is my clitoris' talk, I cannot give the 'have a shower' talk. I cannot teach him how to read body language, or not pick inappropriate films for adulterous wives. But as he's 31, and apparently Dominant, why should I have to? I know he's had girlfriends, had submissive girlfriends even. Am I the only one who has failed to see the magic in the experience?
What's worse in a way, is that it doesn't really add up. It's never felt weird with him before. The last time I went to his house it was great, it was hot. Hotter than July. The only difference was that we weren't going to have sex that time so I never ..knew?
He's texted me three times already today. I don't know how to say to him that I don't want to see him again. Because I was obviously into him before last night. And now I'm not. And I won't be anymore.
Gah. Back to the drawing board, I guess.