Profile of the week...

Ta da! It's back. For this week anyway.

I don't know about you guys, but there's nothing I find sexier than a dominant with paranoid political apocalypse fantasies. Let me clear out a panic room for you with lots of tinned goods and a torch and we'll make sweet, pleasing love until they come for us... no?

Anyway, I'm from 'good stock', I have skillz outside the bedroom and I'm fairly (ahem) tolerant of the political and religious views of others.. OK,  That bit is is clearly not true. I am clearly a poor candidate for a poly wilderness family. So what do you reckon?

I am looking for an Alpha sub to run my household. I am also looking for young subs of good stock (No apparent disease, mutations, mental illness, and no criminal record) and of both sexes to join my family. I am putting together a wilderness poly family to conceive children and survive the calamity that I believe is very near. You should have a strong body and some skills outside the bedroom.

As for sexual contact; No attempt will be made to prevent legal sexual behavior, however, reproduction will be controlled. The point of this family is to survive civil collapse. Children are a drain on resources and so only mating with the strongest potential outcome will be condoned.

I am not looking for a masochist or a pain slut. I am a gentle Master. I expect you to have friends and a job but all of that will remain secondary to our needs.

I could care less about the Mayan or other similar myths. We face an unavoidable financial and civil crisis in the very near future. I wish to survive it with a group of people that share my Libertarian views.

Now for the obvious, no child abuse will be tolerated, however we don’t subscribe to the liberal notion that children cannot be disciplined. We also will not abide intolerance of any kind. Bi, gay, straight, Agnostic, Christian or Muslim is irrelevant. Members of the family group will choose for themselves what if any title they wish to carry in life, religion or relationships. My role will be arbitrator, peace maker or Buck Stopper as the situation requires. I am not an elitist, Liberal, Christian or Conservative. I am a man seeking a sane and safe place to reside with people that wish to raise children with the same values. If that gives someone the creeps, so be it. No one is forcing anyone to join the group.

50 shades of...

Reader, you know I have never read Fifty Shades of Grey, or it's sequels, but only because I have been assured they are not very good. There is even a post here, by a perfectly sensible and clearly bright blogger, Naughty Anna, which describes the reading process quite well. It sounds awful. But I haven't read it myself (and probably never will), so who am I to judge?

Anyway, this pic turned up on twitter yesterday and made me laugh. Can you imagine walking into WH Smith and putting up a notice like that? No, me neither, but maybe we should..

I will not judge your kink, I will not judge your kink, I will not judge...

Oh, alright, I will judge your kink...

As an observant reader, you have probably noticed I've not really managed to put up my Profile of the Week for a couple of weeks now. To be completely honest with you, writing those posts was so easy I could have written a blog for months solely made up of these damn fool profiles, but my source, my muse if you will, sometimes makes me feel a bit grubby and I have to go away for a bit and have a good wash.

The site, a free international site which caters for most people who would label themselves "kinky", attracts all sorts of people - People interested in D/s relationships, spankers and spankees, rubber and latex fetishists, sissies, 'animal trainers', sadists, masochists, rape fantasists, age play fantasists, nylon enthusiasts, gay, straight, curious, couples, financial dominants & money slaves, cross dressers and wankers. Lots, and lots of wankers - and I mean that in the most positive and affectionate definition of the word.
And realistically, you can usually avoid all the things that you don't want to look at by using a fairly basic filter system - I don't really care too much to meet submissive men, or younger men or men over the age of 70 thanks. But these filters will never do two basic things - they will never filter out someone who chooses to lie about themselves and their sexual identity, (Alice wrote a very interesting post on this recently) and they will never filter out the things that really squick you; my profile says that cross-dressing is a hard limit, but I can't stop men sending me pics of themselves in poorly fitting ladies lingerie.

I also can't stop receiving messages like this:
(from the highly promising sounding bigcock10ins)
"Mind if I ask, does vanila partner mean  hucow? love it if it is as your local"

Never mind for a minute the problematic spelling and grammar. It took me a few minutes to make the link between my brief profile stating I had a non-BDSM partner, and hucow*. Oh, you don't know what hucow is? Hucow is a term for a woman who accepts sexual objectification by means of large tits and constant lactation. Strictly. Unfortunately, there is a little more to it than that though, there is something of the farmyard about this kink and often hucows will find their stablemates (sorry) with hupigs..No, I don't want to talk about it any longer either, let's go and wash our hands.

Cute piggy

Is your kink, no matter what I think about it, any of my concern?  I'm sure (I know) there are people that consider what seems to me to be fairly harmless kinks to be "sick" and "wrong" and harmful and exploitative and yucky. I hope now they've read their "50 shades" or whatever, or seen their girlfriend or daughter or the nice lady next door reading it, they might have second thoughts [this does not seem to work its magic on a certain breed of feminist, but hey-ho]. But the thing is, the difference is, when I contact a man on a dating site, whether it be kinky or vanilla, I don't deliberately confront him with mental images that might be.. squicky. Maybe this means I dislike it because I consider messages like that to be unmannerly? No. Honestly, I dislike it because it makes me feel a bit grim inside. And I can't decide if I feel like that is right, or wrong. And so I can't decide whether I think that people who judge kinks that I feel to be quite normal are right or wrong either.
There probably is no answer to that question. People are people, after all. Not COWS; PEOPLE!

*ice cream, surely.

Fucking Sexy Bitch

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Pain is.. pain?

There's not been much to write about here over the past couple of weeks.  A dearth of material. I could have written many posts about how I wasn't getting any, that's for sure, but after weeks of consecutive daily posting about the lack of sexual interest in my life, who would come back? Not me.

Anyway, I didn't 'get any' today. I did however, spend a couple of hours in bed with 'good kisser'. We didn't have sex because I, after a whole week of infected bladder and antibiotics that made me feel like I had been steamrollered, got the curse. Again. As an aside, I have just finished 5 years of the mirena coil, which is an IUS intended to stop the monthly nuisance - it worked very well..all that time that I wasn't having sex. My GP mentioned that I might notice an increase in the nuisance for a while, when she couldn't persuade me to have a replacement fitted. And she was bloody right. And now I'm trying to have sex and I keep being limited by this. How's that for bitter irony?
So, I kept my pants on. I have to say though, it was the best pants on fun I've had in a looong time. Mr 'good kisser' is a very sexy man indeed. We have a great deal of chemistry, and when I am with him, moments slip seamlessly into hours. I don't know where the time goes when I am with him.

But you know, he's..it's.. he's the first man that's made me cry in bed for a very long time. Even with my most sadistic lover in the past, in the foulest of tempers, my hair has never been pulled so hard, for so long. Pulled so hard at the roots in either direction that he has immobilised my head and all I can do is open my mouth to cry out. He bit my tits until I almost saw stars, and 6 hours later, it's still uncomfortable to wear a bra. I am a masochist, I have no doubt that pain gets me off. But wow, I've been tested. On reflection, I think I'm complaining because it isn't the pain I 'like', it isn't the pain of implement hitting ass, for example, which is pain I'd choose.
Do I want it to stop, is the question. He would stop, if I wanted, I know it. I don't think he wants to torture me - and spends the vast majority of time we have together focusing on my pleasure. Further, as a sexually submissive woman, when he pins me down so I can't escape and does what he wants to me, I love it. I don't want it to stop, I don't think. I'll still love it in the morning when I have bruised nipples that still hurt, or, like last time, I have little finger shaped bruises on my upper arms as souvenirs of those delicious moments where I've tried (not hard) and failed to escape from his clutches.
I know I can't wait to be with him again, and you never know, next time I might even get nekkid. And maybe I'll take some ibuprofen.

53 Questions about sex

I copied these questions from Ponyboy's blog, because frankly, its either do this or the housework. And  who doesn't love a quiz?

1. Have you ever had intercourse?  Yes 

2. Oral Sex: Given or received an orgasm  Yes, both. I prefer to receive orgasms, if we're talking about oral, but up until relatively recently I couldn't really.. acheive. If there are any volunteers to help me further practice then answers on the back of a postcard to the usual address..

3. Licked an ass?  Yes (another girl. I'm not really gonna lick a man's ass. y'all filthy)

4. Had your ass licked?  Yes

5. Stuck your tongue in their ass?  Yes (see 3)

6. Swallowed Cum?  Yes. Didn't taste like chocolate mousse though. (sadface)

7. Practiced Bondage or BDSM ? Yes

8. Had anal sex? Yes

9. Had an orgasm from anal sex? No. But I've had an orgasm whilst having anal sex. I'm sure that counts

10. Ever squirted or made someone squirt? No. Can't say I'm that worried.

11. Had sex with someone of the same sex?   Yes

12. Did a threesome? Yes, and hopefully not for the last time. FMF and MMF.

13. Did a foursome?  Yes

14. Been in an Orgy ? So an orgy is more than 4? No, and I suspect it might feel like hard work

15. Been in a gangbang?  No

16. Had sex in public?  Yes, I've had sex in a few different places.

17. Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone?  Ew, no. NO. I'll swallow it if I have to, but it's not hanging round in my mouth that long.

18. Had your toes licked or sucked? Yes. Can't say I'd queue for it though.

19. Licked or sucked someone’s toes? No. I'd do a girl who got pedicures, but otherwise no (see 3)

20. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? Not full sex no.

21. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? Yes.

22. Had cyber sex or phone sex? Phone sex, yes (and quite fulfillingly, tyvm) but not cybersex. That would feel wrong

23. Reached an orgasm? Yes

24. Watched porn?  Yes. I don't dislike porn, but not much of it turns me on.

25. Bought a dirty magazine?   No

26. Posted nude pictures of yourself on the net? No!

27. Let someone video tape you having sex? Yes, and strangely I bumped into that person about a month ago after about ...13 years? I was firm and slim back then, think it would gross me out to see myself on tape now

28. Had sex without protection? Yes. With Mr G. Outside of that though, I'm just not going to do it.

29. Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? Yes. Revolting by the way. Hopefully my face doesn't betray my feelings of utter...revulsion, but I bet it does.

30. Have you participated in any type of golden showers? No. Although I've been with a couple of men that have tried pretty hard to persuade me.

31. Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? No. Please.

32. Had sex with a friend’s significant other?  No

33. Ever did one of your significant others friends or relative?  No

34. Have you ever cheated on your significant other?  Yes

35. Made someone pass out from sex? No. How? HOW?!

36. Tasted your own cum?  Yes

37. Masturbated?  Yes. Jeez, come on.

38. Let someone watch you? Yes. Hawt.

39. Ever showed yourself naked on cam?  No

40. Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period?  I probably have done in the past, but I really hate it. Nasty, messy, painful, yuck. The sad irony of this is when I'm on my period my hormones are *really* trying to get me to have sex.

41. Been ate or eaten someone? No. I can't imagine many are going to say yes to this?

42. Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? No, but I have been bloody tempted.

43. Had sex in a vehicle? Yes

44. Been caught having sex? No

45. Paid for sex? No. Jeez, can you imagine that? I'd want a money back guarantee.

46. Used toys during sex? Yes. I'm thinking about getting something I can keep in my handbag, such do I love toys in bed.

47. Used food? Yes. Sex in the kitchen can be a nice thing. Avoid the sticky, though.

48. Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? Yes. I like pain a lot, although I prefer a bit of a build up at the moment - I think I've lost my tolerance a bit.

49. Ever been dominated in bed? Yes. I find it hard to get off if I don't percieve the man is Dominant in his behaviour.

50. Ever had a wet dream?  Do girls have wet dreams? I have sex dreams all the time. Woke up to having a sex dream about another blogger today. Awkward.

51. Like to have your ass slapped during sex?  Yes. Love it.

52. Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten?  Yes, although if it's too gentle it feels a bit ..weird.

53. Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?  No.

Profile of the week...

Ah, I nearly never made it this week. I don't know whats wrong at the moment, but this blog and I are barely on speakers. Still, I guess as long as the interwebz goes on, there will be horrible profiles on free dating sites for me to show you. As inevitable as sunrise.

Anyway, as no-one seems to be clamouring for the profile that I mentioned last week that will just blow you away, I'll save it for when I feel my corner needs a bit of a treat. In the meantime, however, I know you'll thank me for this gem. I know there are some single ladies remaining out there!

Still sick, you say?

_______________________________ 6/9/2011 7:21:13 AM: i think this site is 90%bs 8 %moeny grower 2% real _______________________________ 9/24/2010 11:30:30 PM: i am back now so hope to play soon 

look out for  (redacted) shes a lining bitch a lot      other  fake  on nere to                                                  i think every dam person on here is a  ffff fakeh !!!!!!!!!  look if your out of Ohio and more than 2 states away stat  may me  if your out of the usa  not wast my time i will not send u a ticket   stone will be missed!!!!!!!!
! still  sick!!!!!  but recovering 

 mostly Dom here but i love to be ,Dom my self some times

to all reply  yes i like to be Dom some x but mostly Dom 

 

Not Getting Laid - ur doin it rite

Well, Paris was great. It was hot and it was tiring, and I am officially skint, but we had a nice time. I do feel like I need a proper holiday that just involves lying by the pool and drinking cocktails now, but that may just be a bit out of reach this summer, so I'm concentrating on being grateful for what I've had. A bit of time away from my normal life helped me get a bit of perspective on the stuff that's been bothering me, so, whatever the cost, I suppose it was worthwhile.

Otherwise, a fair to middling week. A couple of lunches with friends, plenty of staring out of the window and praying (to whom?) for the rain to stop. My results came through for my first undergraduate year. Seems I am an exactly average 2:1 student. Happy enough with that. All well and good, as weeks go.

But no fucking. Not a sniff. No sweaty bodies wrapped around eachother, no head buried in pillow, no panting and groaning, no frantic undressing, no hot breath in the ear, no orgasms.
Even after spending a couple of hours in the company of a man who makes me weak at the knees when he kisses me (alright, there was kissing) I couldn't do it due to a  combination of not being able to get away at the right time and a really inconvenient surprise(!) bladder infection. Which made me cry. You know, when I look back at some of my encounters over the past couple of months, some of which not described yet on this blog, I am appalled to the degree that my body has worked against me in terms of getting it on. There is nothing you can do it seems, about biology no matter how willing you are.Still, in retrospect, I am happy and grateful that I have found someone who makes me weak at the knees when he kisses me. I didn't have that, not so long ago. It is apparently national kissing day today and I am a bit tempted to ask of he wants to meet up for a snog.

As a brief aside, I have never read 50 Shades of Grey, because I hear it is badly written, and for me life is a little too short for a bad book. Especially when it is a bad book about something that other people supposedly find shocking, and you just feel like what is being described is a bit... cliched. Never mind, here is a very good article about it, for my non-guardian reading pals.

Profile of the week..

I am not really here. I'm probably in some impossibly glamourous Parisian pavement cafe in the shade of some beautiful historic building with the sun on my face* while you read this. How is your day going by the way?

This profile is probably another one where it would help to post the photograph of the profile owner next to the wording, in order to appreciate why I found this one so wrong. I can't bring myself to take the piss out of the non-anonymous though, so let me just paint you a picture of an aging, stringy scruffy guy with white hair. I'd like to think he really means it about all those 'must haves' but I reckon he would settle for 'pretty fucking average pussy' if you want the truth.

I'm not sure about this 'family female' sub/slave thing either. Isn't that a bit... hillbilly?

You have to have a pretty pussy and responsive nipples and a great mouth with the willingness and desire to serve at your best. And glasses are a plus !! I'm strict demanding and require total obedience at all times ! And mother/daughter/sisters etc.family female subs/slaves always get first priority ! If interested im at {redacted} at yahoo ! 

I do have another profile of the week to share, but I have a feeling it's so good.. that anything after posting it will be a true anti-climax. It is so objectionable, paranoid and unpleasant that I actually thought on first sight it might have been a spoof profile. It's not. It could be (whisper it) profile of the year, but I don't know. I'm worried there will be nothing to top it, evah. So I might post it next week.

*alternatively, I could be tired with achy feet, stuck in a long queue, with a whiny 7 year old, ready to cry at the idea of paying yet another £4 for a bottle of water/coffee/ice cream. Could go either way!