The loving kind

Well, here we are. Thursday night. After all this time I have still contrived, within the terms of the Clinton defence at the very least, not to have sex. After this week though, where fun (for fun read: spanking, biting, restraint and many many orgasms) has definitely been had, I'm not sure I mind too much. I will confess though, it has hardly been for the want of trying to attain servicing, in one case I was physically ill-disposed (evil red wand fairy, strikes again) and in the other, the perfumed massage oil had already been rubbed into my snatch and ass before I could gasp 'that's not condom-friendly lube!' I guess I could have had a quick shower and we could have started again but certainly from my perspective we were having a good time and we both got our happy ending (I had several happy endings that afternoon, how can I complain?).

This weekend though, I am fairly determined teh sex will happen, as W is back in town, and from tomorrow so will I be. W and I are undertaking fairly extensive textual foreplay in anticipation of our Saturday night in, and we're meeting for a coffee tomorrow. I am very excited.
I am troubled though, as W has been hinting at asking whether there is anything I should tell him that has happened since he went away. I never agreed to exclusivity with W, but I know in my heart that he won't exactly be overjoyed to find that, actually, I've been having a pretty good time. I'm not proud of this, and I know that means I need to tell him, but I don't think we'll talk about it unless he asks me directly. He is also putting on the pressure to have me sleep over. It's not as if he doesn't understand my situation in terms of Mr G and Little G, that its not easy to say 'alright, I'll stay out all night' at will. He knows all of that, but seems to conveniently forget when it comes to us making plans.
If I am being honest though, it is not just the inconvenience/alibi factor that I find difficult when we talk about how our evening will go; I am concerned on what the intimacy will mean - and on more than one level. Firstly and most obviously, when you have sex with someone and fall asleep in their arms until a dreamy and hopefully sexy morning arrives, it puts a slightly different complexion on the thing than 'had a meal, had sex, stayed for a cuddle and a chat, went home'. It does for me, anyway, add an element of risk that the smooshy girl 'feelings' I might clearly do have, in retrospect, develop into something more. Little point, in falling madly in love, especially when you consider that we live no further than maybe 5 miles apart and haven't managed to see each other for 1 month. And that's the second thing. Submissive to him I may be, but I wonder really how healthy it would be for me, even if I easily could sleep over. Once in a month over that distance does not exactly scream 'can't get enough of you baby, come and be part of my life' does it? Clearly, he's been away and there's a date that never happened, but we're still talking about a month.
But it's a selfish, contrary paradox in a way. What am I really saying in this post? "Show me you adore me but I'm never going to give you everything anyway" and "you're not behaving in the way I want, so although I am determined to keep you separate from my life, I still need to punish you?".

I recognise that, and don't like it, but I don't mean to be selfish, and I certainly don't want to punish him. I adore him. But I notice that I am still new on this particular ideological road of mutual sexual freedom and I guess that I still need to practise a little bit not needing to be in control of other people's behaviour, especially my primary Dominant male. I don't want to drive. But I think I still have the right to try and protect myself and my feelings. 
Needs moar work, I guess. Still, whatever the outcome, hopefully Baby gonna get laid!