Tuesday 14 August 2012

Idiot me

You may remember reader, that a while ago, I  put a profile on a vanilla dating site. I decided that I would post a link to this blog on my profile so that without having to actually spell it out myself, potential respondents could have a look at what I was into before they contacted me . I know that what I'm into, while not exactly snuff movie territory is not exactly to everyone's taste - no matter what the 50 shades audience think. I suppose I did this because I was getting so many messages, that I didn't want to have to further filter for men who were looking for dominant women, or were just a bit tame and vanilla for my tastes or you know, just weren't going to get or appreciate me. Or couldn't read words made up of greater than 2 syllables - (there were plenty of those).

I suppose I thought it was ok to do it because I thought it was kind of a joke, that site. I was never really looking for anyone in a serious way - I was seeing a Dominant, sort of, and I thought it was just a nice distraction from exam revision and actually, who gave a shit what I wrote here? I certainly never thought I would meet a vanilla that I felt in anyway serious about - because I.. because I am submissive? And I thought I really needed someone who was able to take control of me outside of bed as well as inside of it.


In hindsight this was a horrendous idea. Why didn't I think for more than 30 seconds about this? Why didn't I see the future of...  I date one guy who I've agreed not to write about (for various complicated reasons that, well, I can't write about), one guy who I want to write about all the time but feel reluctant to because he might freak out about just how much I love being with him (although, I think he must know) and a few non-starters that have never really gone anywhere but have the option of having a look into my head, or my virtual knicker drawer, whenever they like. I try not to think about any of them when I do write things, because you can't, can you, if you want to put anything other than the most surface level of stuff down? Except I do - I do it all the time, so I don't think I'm getting anywhere with this blog, I'm just stating the facile. And I can't think of any possible solution to this shitfuckcrap.fuckingfuckityfuck.

I even feel crap writing this because I've read a few blogs lately where the blog itself has been the subject and I think.. flipping hell, it's not that important.. its just a blog, no-one else that is reading these words cares how frequently you blog, or how many comments you get or whatever the problem is... And now I think, flipping hell Miss G, leave the 4th wall alone. But it doesn't solve the probem and apart from turning into an invite-only read blog, which would make me feel like a bit of a wanker, I'm not sure what to do. I am an idiot.

10 comments:

  1. You could stop with this one, start a new profile and start a new one so you can dump all the stuff you want to dump without fear of them reading it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thats really the only solution, isn't it? I am very reluctant to do it :(
      Gah.

      Delete
  2. I'm where you are. Recently I live in fear that my boyfriend will be reading my blog. Reading it and finding out what a unfaithful slut I am. Normally my blog is about him and I, of course The Naughty Supervisor story (which I still need to finish) is off the track. But how could I not post it???? I don't know if my boyfriend reads my blog, he doesn't say. I also know he wouldn't tell me if he did, he will wait for me to come clean about it.

    I'm dying to hear these other stories!!!! Find a way!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, what a dilemma.
      WHat would he do if you went to him and told him the truth?

      Delete
  3. So the guys you met through this vanilla-ish dating site knew about the blog. Perhaps even visited the blog. Knew you use it as an outlet. Asked you out anyway. And now don't want you (or you feel it's impolite) to write about your experiences, effectively removing your outlet as an option.

    Did I get that right?

    Because, to me, that smacks of improper control and a disrespectful attitude toward you. It would be like dating an artist and then taking away all the canvases, paints, pencils, and Photoshop and leaving only crayons and cardboard.

    That's just my perception, though. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well.. no. YOu didn't get it completely right :)
    I agreed with one guy (who I am sort of seeing, but it's complicated) that I wouldn't write about him while we were dating. And maybe one day I'll be able to say why here, but I can't right now.

    The rest of them (and I can work out who visits my blog pretty well - I dont get so many million clicks that I cant cope with statcounter) I am fairly certain are delighted that I continue to write - I just have got a bit spooked out by people being able to read my mind like this so sometimes I dont write what I think.

    So it's my problem, rather than theirs - all they do is wordlessly visit my blog. And I need to get over it :)

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  5. So you're writer's blocking yourself. That makes more sense in my head.

    I can't do that. Mrs. AP reads (and plans to soon co-author) everything I write, but I can't write with that in mind. Writing is my therapy and my release. I write for me, and if my audience cannot handle it that's not my problem. I'll risk making somebody agree if it means I can get this jumbled mess in my head figured out.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I am writers blocking myself :)
      I think I'll get over it? If I can't I might just have to do as Ponyboy suggested and start over somewhere else.

      I think if the only person I was fucking was my husband and he was reading it, I would be alright, because it's supposed to be alright to be honest with that person, but I guess its my relationships (or lack of relationships) with the reader that is making it a bit difficult.
      Eitherway, I guess it's not really that big a deal, is it?

      Anyway. I'll be interested to see what happens when Mrs AP co-writes. SHould be great :)

      Delete
  6. It's your blog, your words, opinions, thoughts, ideas, expressions, soap box, etc. This is supposed to be our place where we don't have to filter ourselves or worry what anyone thinks! I kind of see your dilemma though. I often want to share with those closest to me my blog but have always stopped myself in fear of what your saying happening! My lovers all believe they are my 1 & only & they & I both prefer it that way!! I hope you dont have to start over but those that matter will follow you regardless!!

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  7. Yeah, I'm not going to make this mistake ever again! I dont think I necessarily want to make anyone think I'm exclusively theirs.. since I have to do so much hiding in my vanilla things, I'm trying to find some openness elsewhere - which is very difficult, so I totally understand your choice.

    Thanks for your comment :)

    ReplyDelete