Idiot me

You may remember reader, that a while ago, I  put a profile on a vanilla dating site. I decided that I would post a link to this blog on my profile so that without having to actually spell it out myself, potential respondents could have a look at what I was into before they contacted me . I know that what I'm into, while not exactly snuff movie territory is not exactly to everyone's taste - no matter what the 50 shades audience think. I suppose I did this because I was getting so many messages, that I didn't want to have to further filter for men who were looking for dominant women, or were just a bit tame and vanilla for my tastes or you know, just weren't going to get or appreciate me. Or couldn't read words made up of greater than 2 syllables - (there were plenty of those).

I suppose I thought it was ok to do it because I thought it was kind of a joke, that site. I was never really looking for anyone in a serious way - I was seeing a Dominant, sort of, and I thought it was just a nice distraction from exam revision and actually, who gave a shit what I wrote here? I certainly never thought I would meet a vanilla that I felt in anyway serious about - because I.. because I am submissive? And I thought I really needed someone who was able to take control of me outside of bed as well as inside of it.

In hindsight this was a horrendous idea. Why didn't I think for more than 30 seconds about this? Why didn't I see the future of...  I date one guy who I've agreed not to write about (for various complicated reasons that, well, I can't write about), one guy who I want to write about all the time but feel reluctant to because he might freak out about just how much I love being with him (although, I think he must know) and a few non-starters that have never really gone anywhere but have the option of having a look into my head, or my virtual knicker drawer, whenever they like. I try not to think about any of them when I do write things, because you can't, can you, if you want to put anything other than the most surface level of stuff down? Except I do - I do it all the time, so I don't think I'm getting anywhere with this blog, I'm just stating the facile. And I can't think of any possible solution to this shitfuckcrap.fuckingfuckityfuck.

I even feel crap writing this because I've read a few blogs lately where the blog itself has been the subject and I think.. flipping hell, it's not that important.. its just a blog, no-one else that is reading these words cares how frequently you blog, or how many comments you get or whatever the problem is... And now I think, flipping hell Miss G, leave the 4th wall alone. But it doesn't solve the probem and apart from turning into an invite-only read blog, which would make me feel like a bit of a wanker, I'm not sure what to do. I am an idiot.