Profile of the week..

That's right. The weekly post that writes itself. You know, sometimes I worry that I'm never going to see a profile in the week that I'm going to want to share with y'all. I always seem to though, don't I?
After my (mis)adventures in D/s this week, I have been looking at profiles with at least the intent of messaging a local charming, datable Dominant with his own teeth and no discernable mental health issues that we need to talk about in advance. Nothing doing so far but I wonder if this guy lives in your town... (don't all rush at once, girls)

Totally sick and perverted Master. Seeks stupid, brainless fuck-pig-whore-shit for total abuse. A slave is nothing more than disgusting pile of shit that shouldn't exist. Only limit is death

His only limit is death, right? Be pretty embarrassing if you went round and he wanted to start hacking your fingers off. What's the protocol there, I wonder!?
Sadly, I don't know any stupid, brainless fuck-pig-whore-shits. And don't get me started on someone seeking something that shouldn't exist, he's never going to be happy doing that! Besides, the idea just turns my brain inside out.

Smoke and Mirrors

In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy and Toto take a long journey up the Yellow Brick road in order to meet the Wizard, and get home to Kansas (although frankly, Kansas didn't look great did it?). On this trip, I'm sure you remember, she meets a variety of figures also with needs and they all sort of talk eachother into the idea that this mythical Wizard might be able to help them all out. They get there and lo, the Wizard happens to be a slightly eccentric old man with no powers, no special abilities and no way of giving them what they need. He had nothing. Zip, zilch, nada.
How fucking awful must that have felt, huh?
Happily for that fairy story, the moral seems to be that Dorothy and all of her friends already possessed what they believed they were seeking and went on to lead fulfilling and purposeful lives. Happy days.

Now, I'm not Dorothy, and W doesn't stand for Wizard. I'm not trying to get home.
My point is really that last night, the curtain fell between W and I and the line, the line that divides the D/s just sort of.. dissolved. That's the problem. Power isn't anything really to do with physical strength, although thats always a bonus, right? It isn't anything to do with who is the brightest, or richest. It's just about who wants to take the power. But as a submissive, you have to take the view that the person you are submitting to, has got their shit together to the degree that they are equal to the term 'Dominant'.  And when something happens that kind of reveals that it's just a fairly average man, a trick of the mind that allows you to hand over all sorts of authority to someone else, you can't unsee it for that person. I don't know if anyone can become un-average in your perception.

D/s isn't so much about sex for me, really. I mean, it IS about sex, but I can get kinky sex anywhere. I can find a man who is willing to nourish my inner masochist. I can see a man tonight, who will pin me down or tie me up and cover me with bruises and whisper dirty things in my ear and fuck me until I see stars. The physical control is always covered for most women with above average looks and brains. What I'm really looking for is a mental and emotional connection that exists within and without the bedroom. I don't need to have orgasms when I'm with my Dominant - my pleasure is in his pleasure. I don't even really need to physically have teh sex to attain fulfilment. But as the s, this only really works if you think the D gets it.
I used to think W gets it, but I... I have changed my mind. If I didn't get an orgasm (and I so bloody didn't, reader), it was not because he had decided I was not to have one, it was because he didn't know how to give me one. He got me on the bed, told me to 'get ready' (take off my pants, is what he meant) and then gave me less than 10 minutes of missionary position sex where he lay directly on top of me and crushed my poor ribs, and then after he came he got off so that we could cuddle. He didn't smell nice.
I know that after 2 years of celibacy that the concept of actual sex may have taken on an idealisation and importance extra to the reality of it. But I don't think I can remember anything like that before, but the worst moment was when he asked me if it had been any good with such appallingly genuine concern and I realised that this whole experience had not been about him underlining that sex between us would not be about prioritising my sexual pleasure over his. It was about him not knowing what to do with me. And clearly not minding too much about physical hygiene.
We then got up so he could watch the end of the Spain-France game. I just wanted to go home, but we had decided that he would take me home later and then he wanted to watch a film after the game and I was too polite to demand. In almost ironically poor timing, 'Love Actually' was on the telly, so we watched that, uncomfortably. He wanted to cuddle on the couch, I wanted to go home and not smell him. After the film he wanted to go back to bed with me for a while, I wanted to go home. He brought me home.

As a submissive, I cannot be the educator. I cannot give the 'here is my clitoris' talk, I cannot give the 'have a shower' talk. I cannot teach him how to read body language, or not pick inappropriate films for adulterous wives. But as he's 31, and apparently Dominant, why should I have to? I know he's had girlfriends, had submissive girlfriends even. Am I the only one who has failed to see the magic in the experience?
What's worse in a way, is that it doesn't really add up. It's never felt weird with him before. The last time I went to his house it was great, it was hot. Hotter than July. The only difference was that we weren't going to have sex that time so I never ..knew?
He's texted me three times already today. I don't know how to say to him that I don't want to see him again. Because I was obviously into him before last night. And now I'm not. And I won't be anymore.
Gah. Back to the drawing board, I guess.

It's Such A Pity

That is all.

The loving kind

Well, here we are. Thursday night. After all this time I have still contrived, within the terms of the Clinton defence at the very least, not to have sex. After this week though, where fun (for fun read: spanking, biting, restraint and many many orgasms) has definitely been had, I'm not sure I mind too much. I will confess though, it has hardly been for the want of trying to attain servicing, in one case I was physically ill-disposed (evil red wand fairy, strikes again) and in the other, the perfumed massage oil had already been rubbed into my snatch and ass before I could gasp 'that's not condom-friendly lube!' I guess I could have had a quick shower and we could have started again but certainly from my perspective we were having a good time and we both got our happy ending (I had several happy endings that afternoon, how can I complain?).

This weekend though, I am fairly determined teh sex will happen, as W is back in town, and from tomorrow so will I be. W and I are undertaking fairly extensive textual foreplay in anticipation of our Saturday night in, and we're meeting for a coffee tomorrow. I am very excited.
I am troubled though, as W has been hinting at asking whether there is anything I should tell him that has happened since he went away. I never agreed to exclusivity with W, but I know in my heart that he won't exactly be overjoyed to find that, actually, I've been having a pretty good time. I'm not proud of this, and I know that means I need to tell him, but I don't think we'll talk about it unless he asks me directly. He is also putting on the pressure to have me sleep over. It's not as if he doesn't understand my situation in terms of Mr G and Little G, that its not easy to say 'alright, I'll stay out all night' at will. He knows all of that, but seems to conveniently forget when it comes to us making plans.
If I am being honest though, it is not just the inconvenience/alibi factor that I find difficult when we talk about how our evening will go; I am concerned on what the intimacy will mean - and on more than one level. Firstly and most obviously, when you have sex with someone and fall asleep in their arms until a dreamy and hopefully sexy morning arrives, it puts a slightly different complexion on the thing than 'had a meal, had sex, stayed for a cuddle and a chat, went home'. It does for me, anyway, add an element of risk that the smooshy girl 'feelings' I might clearly do have, in retrospect, develop into something more. Little point, in falling madly in love, especially when you consider that we live no further than maybe 5 miles apart and haven't managed to see each other for 1 month. And that's the second thing. Submissive to him I may be, but I wonder really how healthy it would be for me, even if I easily could sleep over. Once in a month over that distance does not exactly scream 'can't get enough of you baby, come and be part of my life' does it? Clearly, he's been away and there's a date that never happened, but we're still talking about a month.
But it's a selfish, contrary paradox in a way. What am I really saying in this post? "Show me you adore me but I'm never going to give you everything anyway" and "you're not behaving in the way I want, so although I am determined to keep you separate from my life, I still need to punish you?".

I recognise that, and don't like it, but I don't mean to be selfish, and I certainly don't want to punish him. I adore him. But I notice that I am still new on this particular ideological road of mutual sexual freedom and I guess that I still need to practise a little bit not needing to be in control of other people's behaviour, especially my primary Dominant male. I don't want to drive. But I think I still have the right to try and protect myself and my feelings. 
Needs moar work, I guess. Still, whatever the outcome, hopefully Baby gonna get laid!

Profile of the week..

Bet you thought I'd forgotten, huh?
Well here it is, better late than never.

I love this profile simply because who wouldn't want a dominant as paranoid as this guy? Only a real women, right?
All answers on a postcard to the nearest mental hospital please..

Im here looking for REAL woman who will meet and not just mess around online. If youre not willing to meet or not a real woman then im not interested.

 Im already sick of all the fakes and liars here, if youre all talk and just gonna bullshit us all then why did you bother making a profile?

 Come and talk and if youre worthwhile i will want to meet.

 well it seems some psycho has been running around here making up shit about me and bad mouthing me to anyone she can find.

if you get sent messages about me please have the decency to let me know and i can try and stop this fucked up mental case from causing you all problems.

if she is gonna do all this cos i refused to meet her then think what else she would do if she takes a dislike to you?

2/21/2012 12:25:32 AM: and now we have another psychotic bitch who thinks she can pull as fast one on me. 'normal {redacted}' as if the username wasnt enough suggestion that she thinks we are all freaks on here. she is clearly unhinged and is trying to create hassle for all us serious types. further investigation shows this girl is actually a group of 3 girls online to take the piss and lure unsuspecting men into abuse and harrassment on the few occasions the girls do decide to show themselves, and just not bothering to show up the rest of the time. so be warned out there folk

(emphasis mine)

The Unusual Suspects

So this week, I have mostly been.. meeting men. When I say meeting, by the way, I do not necessarily mean fucking, removing clothing or groping. I am a good girl on a first date, always.
As far as I was concerned, when I placed my ad on the vanilla hookup site (the busiest site in the whole fucking world by the way - I've never known anything like it), it was always going to be a numbers game. I knew that despite the exchange of photographs and extensive email tennis there was no guarantee of chemistry with anyone in the flesh and that the chances of meeting someone(s) new would be increased, the longer the shortlist. This of course is not to say that I wasn't picky; I don't have so much time that I can meet a man I don't feel a basic level of attraction or initial 'click' with, but with the amount of men that did contact me, I only had to see a tiny percentage to give me quite a busy week.  Why I decided to meet 5 men over such a short space of time, I don't really know, but I have a feeling it was mostly to get it out of the way.

It was very interesting. All of the men I met were as they presented themselves by email in terms of looks and personality. They were all clean and well mannered. There was no-one that it was exactly a hardship to sit and drink with exactly. But it's a funny thing, chemistry. You can look at someone and think, 'I can see you're attractive, I can see all the things we have in common, I can see you're clever and funny' but..but the idea of getting naked with them is as about as exciting a prospect as last night's leftovers. And then, even more randomly, you can sit with someone for all of about 5 minutes and start thinking.. 'this is all very well and good, but it would be a lot better naked in your bed.' and its impossible to tell which it's going to be until you get there. I had a bit of both this week, but I do think that when the chemistry was there - it was really there. Only one date though, really seemed to understand (or more vitally, care) what I meant when I wrote in my hook-up site profile that, outside of the bedroom at least, that I expected to be treated like a princess. It made a difference (it makes a difference, men, in the vanilla world!). I know I'm going to be especially nice to that one.

So, I have one left to meet, tomorrow, and I think that will be that for the vanilla site, for the mean time at least. I've changed my profile to reflect that I'm not looking to meet anyone else at the moment - this doesn't stop the men that don't read profiles from sending me pictures of their cocks and asking me if I want to meet them/suck them off/have some fun but luckily I think I've seen so many filthy pictures over the past month or so that I'm starting to go blind. One can only hope, anyway.

The award of 7's

I got nominated for this by one of my favourite bloggers, Ponyboy at Marriage in the Bedroom. His, reader, is a blog that can make you understand what is right and good about monogamous married life. I totally dig him.  I don't normally do these things but I thought since I have a fairly new blog, most things would still be a novelty to most readers.


1.) What is your favorite song? 

That's the hardest and most unfair question of them all, isn't it? I could more easily tell you what my 50 favourite songs are. And anyway, my favourite today are unlikely my favourite tomorrow. I choose two of my favourites - not because they are particularly representive of my tastes, but because I always think they're worth an airing:



 

Having looked at my itunes to see what my most played are, it appears my taste is "pretty miserable"


2.) What is your favourite dessert?
 I don't have a very sweet tooth. Sticky toffee pudding, or bread & butter pudding usually go down fairly well though.

3.) What do you do when you're upset?
Cry. Drink. Not always in that order. It is rare that I will accept misery alone, so if someone has upset me, then I will try and find a way to make them share the pain, or I will call a friend and cry on their shoulder.

4.) Which is your favourite pet?
I'm about 51% a dog person and 49% a cat person. My favourite ever pet was a staffordshire bull terrier we had when we were young. She got stolen when I was about 6. I'm still upset about that, you know, 27 years later. Staffies have a pretty bad press in the UK, because of their "potential for aggression". I've never known a staffordshire bull terrier that wasn't as soft as butter and wonderful with children, but then I don't associate with thugs who train dogs to fight, so what do I know?


5.) White bread or whole meal?
You know, bread isn't all that good for you. If I'm going to have bread though, I'll have the white stuff. Preferably home made slathered with butter. Which is not good for you either.


6.) What's your biggest fear?
Much like Ponyboy, it is something happening to me while my son is young enough to need me every day. Either that, or turning into my mother - which would be roughly equal in terms of detriment to his future happiness. When you have kids, fear takes on another dimension. When I look back on how my life was in my teens and early twenties, I can hardly believe how I lived. With a kid to look after, I don't even like to jaywalk.


 7.) What's your attitude most of the time?
Most of the time, I am a bit like a sleeping lion. Happy enough to lie back and survey the plains, until someone else wants to piss on my territory.

7 Fun Facts About Miss G:
 1) Once upon a time I used to work in the complaints department of a major insurer, dealing with customers we were trying to get rid of. From 9am to 5pm every day, I used to get screamed at and open letters addressed to me, written with almost deranged hatred. I loved every single minute of it and only left the job because I went on maternity leave. I was sworn at, shouted at and threatened. There was quite a high turnover in that department but I stuck it out, mostly because I thought the tantrums that most of our customers had, over very little of real consequence, were hilarious.

2)You don't know anyone who swears as much as me. I don't swear in front of kids, or in front of my tutors at Uni, but everyone else has heard it.

3)When I was on maternity leave, I supported myself for a while by playing poker. I did quite well.  Poker went to shit though, when the US decided to ban it's own players from playing online. The poker world went from shooting fish in a barrel to actually requiring patience and skill overnight. Some of the best friends I have ever made, I have met at the poker table. I rarely play now though, I'm not any good anymore.

4)I don't consider myself to be like, hugely talented at much, but I can cook anything. I have over 150 recipe books and a kitchen stocked with stuff that would put many professional kitchens to shame. One year I cooked a different meal every single night for the whole year. I put on 30lbs but it was really worth it. I'm considering trying this again, for just the month of August.

5) I'm scared of escalators, and cockroaches make me heave. Because we live in an old Victorian house with lots of holes in it, we get mice quite a lot. I cry when we have to kill them, but trapping them and releasing them into the wild doesn't seem to make any difference to the numbers.

6)I always believe that people are entitled to their own political beliefs, but when a woman tells me that she's 'not a feminist', it drives me up the wall. If you are a woman and you have been educated, have had a job, are allowed to keep your own money, vote, make choices for your own children, get birth control without your husband or father's consent, want to be paid for equal work, don't expect your husband to legally rape you inside your marriage (was still perfectly legal within my lifetime in the UK) , and decide for yourself whether you will marry or not, you can thank a feminist for this. If you don't perceive feminism as quite your thing, everything I have listed, stop doing and get back to the washing up.

7) I only ever listen to two radio stations. Radio 4, except between 2 and 4 on a weekday afternoon when I listen to Radio5. For non-UK readers that means I never listen to music radio stations. It's quite hard to access new music because of this. Sometimes I hear a piece of music, love it and have to ask who it is. The person I've asked invariably looks at me like I am an alien. This is quite funny.

7 Bloggers to pass this onto:
Well, this is hard. Some of the bloggers I wanted to pass this onto have already been nominated, some bloggers I would like to nominate might not even be aware of my existence, and as a new blogger, I can't think of that many anyway.  The ones I do follow are pretty lovely though.

You should definitely check out Marriage in The Bedroom
In no particular order then:

1) lil at Submissive Sanctuary
2) Dee at (D)ee for (Desire)
3) Florida Dom
4) Little One at Willing Slut, Apply Within
5) Alice at Discovering Alice
6) B. at Me and What I am... and have become